Freda, thank you. What you say in your first post makes sense, and I'd not really thought of it that way before. I thought that I'd look that book up until you withdrew your recommendation!

Several contributors have told me I need to learn to love myself. You *may* have a point, I'll have to think about that one. I am certainly not self-loathing, I live on my own, really do like my own company, not a problem. The problem is that I am a bit of a perfectionist in some ways, an 'all or nothing' person. I either want to do something properly or not at all. That also goes for relationships. I suppose I think that if I give up on this person then I have somehow given in, failed, not completed the task properly, somehow. Does this add up to needing to learn to love myself? Now that I've typed all that, I see that it makes perfect sense! A personal revelation while on Mudcat! Now THAT'S good value!

Weelittledrummer, yes, my partner was very much a Jekyll and Hyde character. Mentally unstable, yes, but there are reasons in the person's experience that make that make sense. I don't think I'd label it as quite as extreme as bipolar (knowing someone who has been diagnosed with it), but I am no expert. I don't want this to sound melodramatic, but it is true that even this person's facial movements and bodily gestures would change while in these moods, become wild and exaggerated, and a perfectly rational person would become completely wild, extreme, screaming, frightening, irrational. Over a period of time, things have calmed down on that front, but still, there remain the echoes of the bizarre arguments over made up things that didn't make any sense in things the person still says, and I have run out of energy to argue with it or try and sort it out. I am exhausted.

jacqui.c., you are right, "It is never too late to change your ways, for most people." I have known for a while, though, that the change ultimately has to come from the person needing change. Ultimately, change cannot be persuaded or even loved into existence for you by others. I have failed to make changes in my own loved one's life or patterns of behaviour - so now it is time to make changes in my own. This perfectionist has realised that sometimes you just have to leave something imperfect, incomplete, messy, unfinished. I am now building up the courage for D day this week.

Thank you all so much - again - for your kind words, wisdom and support.