strain thou thouself,
Surely you mean strain thee, thyself, (or thine own self)

but e'en rupture thou!

Perhaps "rupture thee" might do better

And then thou will find not only that thou are weeping

Normal usage requires "thou art"

and gnashing teeth but lying in the roadsides, and in the gutters, and amidst whitened sepulchres, busily straining out gnats and swallowing camels!

Mayhap straining at gnats?

Woe to ye, I say, and woe unto the womb that bore thee and the breasts that gave thee suck, suckers!

Prefer "ye" so the plurals are in agreement.

and the men amongst thou won't care for that one little bit!

One can only assume "amongst you" is intended.

And thou wilt suffer the fire that is never quenched and the beer that quenches not, unless thou restoreth unto Mother the quality that is verily and truly her due!

Prefer "quencheth not".


So kneel and beg her forgiveness and promise never to do it again and maybe, just maybe, Mother will let you have dessert tonight.

Why bother -- it's just desserts?

And they strove and strained and overbore,
And bored e'en overmore
And gnashed their teeth and rambled far,
And hissed and cursed and swore.
And each one vowed he would peak the lot,
Each one would post the most!
But the dust went down, and the darkling town,
Still lacked what they sought the most --
The Thirteen Thousandth Post!

Then up did step our bold Rapaire
With vim and vigor shining,
ANd he loudly said he'd do the trick
With Elizabethan whining
But he botched the case, and the nouns and verbs
And the "thees" and "thines" were toast
And when he lay down, pale from his round,
No-one had seeen the ghost
Of the Thirteen Thousandth Post!

Fair Bunnhabain took up the train,
And spouted like a swivel
But he torched his soul at the firing hole
ANd what came forth was drivel.
ANd the rest of the crowd stood and sighed aloud,
And the air bore ne'er a boast
For though deep the night, there was never a sight
From the rivers to the coast,
Of that Thirteen Thousandth Post!