...overeating!

Yes. It's true. According to the latest scientifically conducted poll, 9 out of 10 dachshunds would rather die by gluttony than by any other method, and most of them are seeking to do so at the earliest opportunity.

"Let's put it this way," said Rudi von Weltschmertz, a 6-year old dachsie from Rhode Island. "I would really like the chance to eat myself into a comatose state and risk never waking up. It would be like being in heaven before you die. It would be going out at the top of your game! I'm always on the lookout for a chance to eat myself to death, and if my people were just less watchful it would have happened long ago. I once consumed half of an entire roast beef, 6 roast potatoes, and a pound of pasta, but they caught me in the act. I got my stomach pumped by one of those sadistic maniacs they call vets, and here I am talking to you. It was a gas! I'd do it again anytime."

But what about the remaining 10%? What is their preferred method of self-annihilation? Well, brace yourself, folks. The remaining 10% have opted for sex! Yes, 1 in 10 dachshunds wishes to die fornicating. It's sordid but true. The reason that it's only 1 in 10 is that they're almost all "fixed" these days. Otherwise we could expect to see as many as 30% of male dachshunds at least opting for death by fornication, experts estimate.

Still, gluttony would probably rank as the most popular method of suicide with most weiner dogs, even if they still have their little cojones intact.

As one dachshund, Addie Langmann Schtupfelmeier put it: "I was once faced with a choice between mounting this gorgeous little Schnauzer who was clearly in heat...or devouring 17 chicken pot pies. It was tough to decide. 11 and a half chicken pot pies and one stomach pumping later I KNEW I had made the right decision!"

"URRRP!"