The one I enjoyed giving out with the most arose when I was singing at a club in Nottingham. There was a geezer sat right in front of me with a woman on either side. The three of them kept up a barrage of natter all the way through both sets.

When my night of purgatory was finished and I was glad to get out of the place, he came over. "Really enjoyed the evening", he said. "You've a grand voice".

"Thanks for the compliment", replies I. "When's you're funeral ?"

"I'll let you know", says he.

"Please do," I said. "I'll come and talk all the way through it."

He went absolutely ballistic and stomped off into the night shouting "You wouldn't last five minutes in an Irish band". Who would want to if it meant suffering an idiot like him.