Here's a few: You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

It's no fun to drink alone until you've had a few.

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who have had the operation

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm trying to look at things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

And remember, if you are baroque, it just means that you are out of Monet.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; we were seventeen. Seventeen? Yes. She was eight and I was nine, and that made us seventeen

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage (Divorce) has allowed me to I work myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

On our second honeymoon my wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

The drummer's girl friend had long blonde hair. It was a foot long and grew out of her left nostril. She caught a cold and almost flogged herself to death.

I don't like to drink...but it's the only way I can get it down.

Cheers, Fortunato