"We regret to report that Mister William Shatner has experienced a tragic but long-overdue encounter with the Grim Reaper, the one alien force he could not overcome, and has been eliminated from the ranks of living, breathing, walking actors on the face of the Earth.

Over the years his existence among those ranks was often hotly debated, as his talents were extremely thin and marginal. Fortunately, he was able to survive for long periods by consuming his own excess body fats.

Mister Shatner's absence from the roll of living actors was first noticed by members of his fan club who, having spent a week away from their computers while on vacation with some responsible elders, were reportedly found "coming to their senses" and realizing that their revered figurehead was hollow, and devoid of ability.

Experts have since confirmed these observations and his absence from those rolls has been deemed official."

J.B. Penworthy, writing in the current edition of Screen Vogue magazine.