I Am fREAKIN' HERE! I don't know waht happ3ned last night or if I had sex or who it was with and the last part is what worrys me the most!

It all started with a boat trip, eh? My and my buddies went out on this boat that we, like, borrowed...so ta speak. It was one of them fast speedboats, eh? Like in them Florida cop shows. Those things go like a flippin' bat out of hell, eh? We had got together, like, a coupla 2-4's and some joints and figgered on like a lake party. So we was cruisin' around drinkin' and yellin' and swampin' people's canoos by drivin' by 'em real fast and close and fun stuff like that until maybe midnight and that's when the cops come after us for some reason.

It might of been because of the boat we borrowed. Or it mighta been the noise. Hard to say, but cops they got all kinds of thigns they are real fussy about, eh?

So we gunned 'er and took off down the shallow channel between Seldom Seen Island and the flippin' mainland, figurin' to like lose em in the reeds.

Well, we was part way through and the flippin' boat hit somethin' a hell of a flippin' whack! Mighta been a rock or a log. And I got pitched out and took a bellyflop in a shitload of mud and slime and stuff! The boat was still goin' and I could hear the other guys yellin' and screamin' and the cops goes flying by cursin' and yellin' too with the flippin' siren on, and I just ducked down in the muck and the slime there. They didn't spot me.

I heard the noise goin' off away and it like faded out some. Well, I heard through the flippin' grapevine today what like happened to the other guys. They sprung a flippin' leak and started to sink out past Seldom Seen Island so they steered 'er for shore and piled up on a bunch of rocks in the shallows and all jumped out and like swam for it with the cops after 'em. Two got caught. Two got away. But the two that got away, one of 'em got arrested not too far from there and the other one he got arrested this mornin'. Bummer, eh?

I ain't been arrested yet, so I guess my flippin' luck is holdin'...but I got other problems here that are worse than bein' arrested!

See, I made it to shore after fightin' my way through the most awful flippin' goddam stinkin' slime and bugs and frogs and God knows what kind of horrible flippin' things in the darkness on top of which I was pretty flippin' drunk and I kept losin' my sense of direction. I come back to the same flippin' log with the same flippin' turtle on it 3 times, and I swear he was laffin' at me. He wouldn't dive away or nothin'. "FlIP YOU!" I yells at him. "If I come back hear a forth time you are DEAD MEAT, you flippin' reptile!" But I didn't. I never seen him again. What I did see was 30 million flippin' moskeetos and other bugs and they was all over me. JEEEZUS! It was flippin' aWFul!

Well, I finally got out of the flippin' goddamn swamp and finds myself in a pine fortest with all them trees that are, like, planted in rows and so close togehter than you can't hardly get nowheres. I'm fightin' my way through them pines fer, like, a half-hour, eh? and all of a suddenrt I hears like a sound that flippin' turns my blood to ice in my flippin' viens! This creepy long howl goes up from out in the darkness!!!

I froze, eh? All I could hear was crickets and the sound of my own heart beatin'. What could it be? Wolves? Could it be a flippin' werewolf or a Bigfoot Monster? I looked around to see if it was full moon, but I couldn't tell, cos it was all cloudy. Why did I not study the calender better When I was back in school??? There could be a flippin' werewofl out there right now thristin' fer my blood or a Bigfoot lookin fer somethin' to take home to the wife and kids and I didn't even know what flippin' phaes of the moon it was!

I stayed real still fer a minute or two...and then I heard the howl AGAIN...and it was closer!!! Holy Flip! My heart was poundin' in my chest! I was runnin' with cold sweat. I didn't even notice the flippin' bugs no longer!

Then I heard...the sound of breathin'!!!!!!!!!! Comin' closer! And a crackle of footsteps!

That was it! I let out a scream and took off like a flippin' fried moose with a firecracker up his ass! I was runnin' and runnin', expectin' any moment to feel fangs and claws rip inta my back, fightin' my way through the branches and the prickly planst and who knows what the flip, and all the time I can hear the sound of heavy breathin' behind me and fast poundin' feet, and I'm, like screamin' and yellin' and suddenly BLAP!!! I falls flat on my face in the middle of some dirt road with somebody's headlights blazin in my eyes and their horn blarin at me!

I hear this voice say "What the hell is wrong with you?" I look up and there is this old guy leanin out the window of a pickup truck, glarin' at me. He's got a face like Freddy Flippin' Kreuger, I kid you not. On the other side is this younger guy, reall big guy, with a buzz cut and real mean lookin' eyes. He's got them kinda small squinty eyes, close together. ONe of em looks at you and the other one looks off somewhere else. Gave me the flippin' CREEPS! They gets outa the pickup truck and looks me over real slow. The old guy spits on the ground like he was disgusted. The young guy's got a shotgun ready which he took out of the cab, and he starts grinnin' at me like some kind of sick retread.

"What the FLIP are you doin' on this road?" says the old guy.

"I don't know what the flip I am doin' here," I says. "I been in a boat wreck and I, like, had to swim fer shore and then I, like, got chased by a flippin' werewolf or somethin'!"

By this time I'm back on my feet and these two guys are lookin' me over like you would look over somethin' that you don't like all that much and are lookin' for a quick way to dispose of. Didn't make me feel too good, eh?

Make a long story short, they told me I could ride in the back of the pickup. In the back there was this huge black dog and a whole lot of what seemed like tools and old straw and manure. It smelled real bad! I scrunched down on one side as far away as I could get from the flippin' dog, cos he kept growlin' at me like he was warmin' up to do a Cujo on me. Holy flip!

Well, we went for a fair ways down this road into the woods and it had a lotta winding turns and bumps. I see a Dead End sign. Somebody has underlined the word "Dead" on the sign with a red line. After a bit there is another sign. It says, "CAin't You READ? DEAD END! Go back NOW."

I'm startin' to think maybe I oughta pray or somethin' when we comes to a little, like, wood shack at the end of the road. Everything is dark exceptin' one lantern. The old guy stops the truck.

"Boy, you is FILTHY!" he says to me. "Get down offa that truck."

I gets down. The dog follows me, growling, and never takes his eyes offen me.

"Now, strip off them FILTHY CLOTHES!" orders the old man. The young muscle-boy retread giggles.

I'm shakin' inside, but I put up a brave front. "I ain't takin' my clothes off fer nobody," I says.

"Oh, ain't you?" says the old guy. "Well then, I guess Melvin is gonna have to shoot yer mungoberries off...which one you want him to shoot off first?"

The young retread grins a flippin' evil grin and raises the shotgun!

WHOOOOSH! I strip my clothes off so flippin' fast you would think I just been proposishioned by Shania Twain!

What happens next. They start laffin' at me! I was, like, totally humiliated, eh? Then they drug me over and dunked me in the rainbarrel a few times...the big guy took me by the feet and dunked me in! I thought I was gonna flippin' drown! That sorta washed off the swamp slime and the stuff outta the back of the truck.

"Boy, you are lookin' like you ain't had much exercise lately," says the old man. "You look soft. A man like you wouldn't last long in the woods, would he, Melvin?"

"No longer'n a blind dog with three legs," says Melvin, and he starts laffin' "Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!"

"What the flip do you WANT from me?" I asks 'em.

"Well...I don't rightly know. Why don't we take this boy...inside...and set fer a spell?"

My flesh is crawlin'! The big retread sticks the gun in my kidneys and we go inside. YOu shoulda seen this cabin. There was stuff in there that musta been made back in 1700 or somethin'. I never seen such old junk. They didn't have no TV neither. You can't trust people that don't have a flippin' TV.

They made me sit down at a wood table. We all sat there for a bit, while the old man stared me down and the young retread picked at his teeth and grinned at me. I felt like a caught fish layin' in the bottom of a boat.

Finally the old guy says, "Can you DRINK, boy?"

I remember who I am. Shane McBride, the flippin' greatest drinker in North Flippin' Ontario!

"I can DRINK with the best of 'em," I says. "I can flippin' drink any man under the flippin' table."

"Can ya now?" says the old guy with a wicked grin. "We'll see."

He gets a big jug and puts it down in fronta me. "This here is homemade moonshine," he says. "I made it right here in the woods. You and me are gonna drink until one man cain't drink no more. If'n that man is you, you are shit outta luck, cos Melvin will take you out back and give you 'the treatment'."

I ain't about to ask what the treatment is, eh? I don't wanta know. It might throw off my concentration.

"Line up yer flippin' shots," I says back to him. "Let's go!"

Then we starts into drinkin', and HOLY FLIP! That is some hard flippin' stuff, I'm tellin' you. I have drunk every kind of likker but this was somethin' else entirely. This stuff could knock a Sudberry gorilla off his feet no problem.

I just kept knockin' 'em back. So did the old man. I lost flippin' track of time. We coulda been there for days, I don't know. Well, I do know cos the boat ride was yesterday and today I'm here, but anyway you know what I mean, eh?

By about the time we are mostly through that flippin' jug I am about ready to either turn into a pumpkin or die, but somehow I keep knockin' em back anyway. I can hear Ozzie Osbourne singin' "Bark At The Moon" and the woods are fulla howlin' and I am howlin' too, and the retreaded young muscleboy is turnin' into a flippin' demon before me eyes and the old man looks like flippin' Nightmare on Elm STreet. JEEEZUS!

I don't know when it ended, but it did end somehow. I musta won. I had to of, cos here I am, alive and in one piece.

But here's the thing. I woke sometime this mornin', after dawn, when I heard a rooster crowin'. I was layin' on a ricketly old bed in the shack...or another shack...I'm not sure. And I was NOT ALONE! Beside me was layin' the UGLIEST flippin' woman...or the UGLIEST flippin man...or maybe it was one of them man-woman hemaprodites! I couldn't figure out what the flip it was that was layin' beside me, but UGLY!!!!!!!!!   Oh, my flippin' God, was that one UGLY-lookin' face!

Whatever it was...man or woman...it was still asleep. Movin' real careful, I slipped outta the bed and looked around for my clothes. They weren't there. But there was a set of overalls and some old rubber boots. I, like, put 'em on and then I hear THE VOICE!

"You ain't goin' yet are you, deary?"

I jumped about a foot in the air. IT had woke up and was grinnin' at me with a mouth that had about 3 teeth, I ain't flippin' jokin'! And them teeth was black, eh?

I screamed and bolted fer the door. I was outta there in seconds flat and runnin' down the road. I heard someone yell "Yee-Haw!" and a bang and a buncha buckshot went flyin' past my ears. That was enuff. I zagged off the road and into the underbrush and ran like a flippin' mad dog fer about a mile or two, I guess. Speakin' of dogs, they put the big mutt on my trail, cos I could hear him yelpin' back there behind me somewheres.

Make a long story short I finally come out on another road and hitched a flippin' ride from some trucker that took pity on me. I musta been a pitiful sight, cos I got down on my knees and begged him for a ride to Blind River, Wawa, the Soo, ANYWHERE so long as it was back in cilivization!

That's how I lost my clothes and got home. But what is flippin' eatin' away at me is this. What ELSE did I lose in them lost hours??? What happened? Did I....with that....Oh, FLIP! I can't stand thinkin' about it. I am gonna go crazy.

On top of that I have a flippin' hangover, poison ivy all over...even where you least want it...and a few hundred bug bites.

I almost wish I was flippin' dead, eh?

What are the guys gonna say when they find out?


So we hightailed it for