Hey, JennyO:

I understand your comments about writing as a way to see more clearly. I find that putting something in writing helps me to step back from a situation in a way that only going for a walk or weeding can do. Not totally kidding about the weeding... I am constantly engaged in armed combat with the crabgrass in my lawn and for much of my life, loved having a garden. I've found walking a wonderful way to move into a contemplative place, too. Especially when I was raising my two sons alone. The only privacy I had, where they and the people at work couldn't ask me a question was when I was out walking, or in the bathroom. :-)

I'm sorry that you had a difficult relationship with your Mother that couldn't be totally resolved. I had a similar one with my Father. Thank God I was able to finally see him as another flawed human being, not much different than me. I wrote a song to deal with my feelings, back then:

PARADISE BAR

On Friday night, when my daddy got paid
He'd stop at the Paradise bar on the way
And sometimes he'd let me come tagging along
Me just a kid, didn't know right from wrong

He'd stop and he'd talk with a friend at the bar
Or sit at the table and deal out the cards
He'd sit and he'd talk of the good times they'd known
And swear on the bottle he'd never go home

Now Mom always told me that drinking was bad
And prayed that I wouldn't turn out like my Dad
And Dad always said how he wanted a son
But I couldn't please him, whatever I done

Now Dad's got religion, he's really quite tame
And down at the bar, all the faces have changed
And Mom's finally got her a husband at last
Put out to pasture, to graze in the grass

But childhood's for dreamers, as everyone knows
And dreams fade away like the last winter snow
And now that I see through the eyes of a man
I know I can never go back there again

And for many years I didn't. I tell you, there's nothing like failing, yourself, to teach you humility and compassion. My Father had something broken, way down inside. Something he couldn't understand or fix. When I accepted that we are all broken, in our own way, then I could love him without condition.

Jerry