DORETE SMELLEY! Be still my beating heart!!! Dorete Smelley was the great unrequited love of my 16th year. What fond memories I have of observing her adoringly from a distance as she traipsed up and down the street outside my family's walk-up flat in Kensington! What horrid memories I have of the arrogant, disgusting wretches who dated her and laid their filthy hands on her while I ground my teeth in impotent desperation and clutched my old and faded copies of the National Geographic against my heaving bosom in the privacy of the family loo!

Dorete! Dorete! Where are you now? Are you sitting at some computer keyboard just like me and delivering spam to the unwashed hordes? Dorete, I am still waiting! Send your present address to Wilfred Pennifere, 22 Lower Swagsbottom End, Stokely-on-Thames, Berkshire, UK.

I am only a heartbeat away!