Most of the evil in the world comes from nature, and most of the ugliness comes from art.

Deficient contact with reality is called mania. Excessived contact with reality is called depression.

Sex is an impediment to reproduction whose function is to complicate life.

Be sincere: fool yourself first.

If there were enough doctors, we'd all be sick.

First you go to hell, then your body rots, and then you die.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Too lively, and you're dead.

Every number is very small: almost all numbers are very much larger.

The distinction between qualitative and quantitative differences is one of degree.

Blessed are they who expect nothing, for surely they shall not be disappointed.

We go straight from being smarter than the old folks to being wiser than the young folks.

Eager to please, and a nuisance. Easy to please, and a comfort.

We hate those whom we cannot afford to despise, and we love those whom we cannot afford to hate.

Men are luckier than women: they marry later and die sooner.

A bank will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.

"That is true, but it is not important."
"Importance is not important. Truth is."

When a Scotsman moves to England, he raises the average of intelligence in both countries.

The things you think when you're not thinking!

Ten bums lay in the sun; a passer-by offered a dollar to whichever was laziest; nine jumped up to claim it.

Masochist: "Hurt me!"
Sadist: "No."

This is the best of all possible worlds, and everything in it is a necessary evil.

What is fascinating in a mirror? A world I am not at the center of.

The most valuable losers are ahead most of the time.

Prose: Earth is turning us into its shadow.
Poetry: The sun is setting.

I wish I had never been born -- but who has such luck? Not one in ten thousand.

To say we have a duty to believe something is to give evidence against it.

I can state with complete confidence that I'll never amount to anything.

Does this question entail that there exists at least one question?

No human is truly alien; that is, no alien is truly human.

You find out what's really wrong with an idea when it succeeds.

A secret is something you tell one person at a time.

It is the duty of a patriot to protect his country from its government.

I reckon there's more things told than are true,
And more things true than are told.

"I need a man who can say no to me when I talk nonsense. Are you that man?" "No."

If you handle other people's money, you must pay yourself well to protect yourself from the temptation to steal.

It is easier to forgive people who bore us than people we bore.

The trouble with competitions is that somebody wins them.

The difference between theory and practice: in theory there is no difference; in practice there is.

Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truths.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

To be omniscient, one must know a great deal that is not so.

Let S be the sentence "If S is true, then I am the Pope". Suppose S is true; then if S is true, I am the Pope; but S is true, so I am the Pope. Hence, the supposition that S is true implies that I am the Pope, which is just the statement of S. Hence, S is true. Hence, I am the Pope.