The True Story of Patrick Wright's Wrong-Doing (Tune: Bally Jame's Bluff)

Patrick Wright, sir, was born out in warm California
Where weirdoes cavort by the sea.
And he always enjoyed things a privileged boy
Has when born to the land of the free.
He had his own cell-phone by the time he was 12,
And a "Woody" before twenty-one!
A happy white male growing under the law
In the land of the free and the sun!

He began his career selling sweet Baby's Tears
In a Home Depot garden display
And by learning the ropes and by staying quite stoked,
He soon managed the whole garden bay
So the future looked bright, and the pay was all right,
And he thought he might soon take a wife!
But young Wright's aspirations were tumbled as soon
As two young ferrets entered his life!

Now the thing was begun all in innocent fun,
He just yearned to seem different and cool,
To attract Susie Lake, whom he'd met on a break,
A young student at hairdresser's school.
Young Patrick looked 'round and he rapidly found
The coolest and newest thing yet!
Two ferrets quite rare, a beautiful pair
In the classified ads, under "Pets".

Now this stunt was successful, and not very stressful;
Young Susie surrendered her keep
On the very first kiss, and with unfathomed bliss
In her hairdresser's arms he did sleep
But early next morning from his dreams he was torn
By the light of a flashing blue glare!
And a terrible pounding on his  front door was sounding,
And a cop yelling "We know you're there!"

It was just before dawn, and young Susie was gone
And Patrick, afraid for his life
Staggered up to his feet, with his mind half asleep
And picked up a large sushi knife
As he opened the door, he was slammed to the floor,
And by three cops was brutally mugged!
And his head it was ringing, his poor face was stinging
And they rolled him away to the jug.

Now the judge made the claim, in the State's noble name
That he'd broken the law and done harm!
And for keeping those ferrets, he would quickly inherit
SIx months in the County's worst farm!
Though he protests and cries and all wrong he denies
The inmates there grant it no merit!
They are sure it's a crime, for which he's doing time,
And have taken to calling him "Ferrett".

While he stands at the fence in a pose of repentance
There's a young lawyer  out on a flail
He is Ronnie McBurney, prosecuting attorney,
Who sent our young Patrick to jail
And he pulls up before  old Sherriff Lake's door
And he's only a few minutes late,
Gives a handshake in peace to that chief of police
And runs Susy Lake out on a date!