Late, as ever, but here are my contributions.

Three couples were seeking admission to the Church. At the end of the course of instruction, the priest said, "Now, as a sign of your devotion to the Church, you must all abstain from marital relations [that's sex, if you must know] for a week. I'll see you all back here next Sunday."
A week later, they all gathered again, and the priest said to the first couple, who were somewhat advanced in years, "Were you successful in your devotion?" And they said, "Why, yes, we did manage all right." "Very well, then, welcome to the church," the priest replied.
"And you?" he asked the second couple, who were of a middling age. "Well, it was difficult, but this is important to us so we were able to do it." "Congratulations, welcome to the church," he said as they ran off.
"And how did you folks do?" he asked the young couple. "Well, father," said the young man, "we were doing all right for a while but when she bent down to pick up a can of tomatoes I just couldn't stop myself." "I'm sorry, my son, but I can't let you into the Church." "Oh, that's all right, Father, we understand," said the young woman. "They won't let us back into Safeway, either."

Then there was the ethnic who flunked out of pharmacy school...he couldn't figure out how to get the little bottle into the typewriter.

And then there's the world's shortest cowboy song:
Out in the West Texas town of El Paso,
One little kiss and Florina, goodbye.

Good luck, Helen. Illegitimi non carborundum.

Aloha,
Mark