I once discovered what "deep" depression was. I picked up an object heavier than I expected and was off balance. An incredibly painful muscle spasm resulted. The doctor prescribed a muscle relaxant ( I can't recall the name of the drug). There was an information sheet with the pills. I read it (something I don't usually do). One of the negative side effects was "extreme depression". Normally I don't react to drugs in a negative way but this was an exception. I took the pills as directed, confidant nothing would be amiss.

I woke up around 2 AM. I have never felt so miserable. I curled up into a ball and faced the wall. I rocked back and forth, moaning, and felt more and more dismal and lost. I wanted to be dead. Fortunately I remembered the information sheet that had come with the medicine and worked at convincing myself that what I was feeling would go away as the medication wore off. I was paralized with morbid thoughts and feelings of doom. The medication took almost 12 hours to begin to wear off and I managed to get back to my doctor that afternoon. He agreed that what I had gone through was the result of the medication.

It took a couple of days before I felt balanced emotionally. That brief time spent deep in the throes of depression was a shocking eye-opener. From that time on I realized that deep depression, true depression, was a force whose power had been beyond my ability to understand until I experienced it first hand. I can understand how depression can pull someone into what might seem the irrational act of suicide. Most of us have never experienced that profound and intense a level of depression, and survived.

Perhaps young people have been told too often that they are special, that they are as important a person as anyone else and they expect to experience that level of acceptance throughout their lives. The real world intervenes. Acceptance and reward have to be won. It is only in grade school that everyone gets the blue ribbon. Is a winner.

So a twenty-something suddenly finds that he's not so special, his girlfriend breaks it off, he spirals into a massive funk and pulls the plug, convinced that he's a loser.

Werner Erhard said that suicide is the ultimate "Fuck You". Curt Cobain's mother is said to have commented: "Curt has joined the ranks of the stupid" A California Highway Patrolman spotted a jumper on the Golden Gate bridge and squealed to a stop, rushing out of the patrol car with his gun drawn. He pointed his pistol at the guy standing on the railing and yelled "Freeze!". The would-be jumper did and at the cop's command came down off the railing.

Extreme depression is a force almost beyond our comprehension. Killing one'self seems reasonable when in it's grip.

CB