Bubba an' th' Golden Salad Fork

Once upon a time they wuz a liddle feller name of Bubba. Now, "Bubba" is mos'ly whatchacall a "nickname". It's mos' offen gived t' sumbuddy by they younger siblin's whut cain't yet say "Brother" right an' whut shore 'nuff cain't say names like "Bartholomew". But this perticuller Bubba wuz really named "Bubba" an' it said so right on his birf certificate. His momma, name of Darlene, weren't th' brightest bulb on th' Chris'mas tree, ya unnerstan'. She din't know thet Bubba wuz whatchacall a nickname an' she done gived her pore liddle baby boy "Bubba" fer a real name.

Bubba lived in a rented dubba-wide trailer on a dirt road down in Floribama. Floribama ain't on no roadmap. It's th' part of Florida b'tween Chatahoochee an' Pensacola whut's 'tween th' Alabama line an' Innerstate Ten. Most of th' peoples whut lives there is more like peoples from Alabama than from Florida. Peoples from there likes t' joke thet they lives in "L.A.", only it stan's fer "Lower Alabama", not "Los Angelese".

Bubba an' Darlene lived in thet dubba-wide wif her wuthless boyfrien' J. Earl. Darlene waited tables down t' th' truckstop diner at th' Innerstate. J. Earl din't habv no job. He tried farmin' fer a while, but th' ol' widder woman down th' road fount his crops growin' in her bottomland an' called th' cops. J. Earl weren't Bubba's daddy. Even Darlene din't know who Bubba's real daddy wuz, but she wuz purty shore he drove a truck since she wuz knowed t' be one of 'em truckstop waitresses thet'll do more'n refill yer ice tea glass fer a big enuff tip, if ya know whut I mean.

One Sunday afternoon Bubba an' his dawg, a Rotweiler mix name of Freddy Kruger, wuz playin' in a pile of dirt out behin' the dubba-wide when Bubba seen sumfin' all shiny an' yeller stickin' outta th' groun'. "Whut's thet?" Bubba axed Freddy Kruger. Freddy, he din't say nuthin', him bein' a dawg an' all. So, Bubba dug th' thang outta th' dirtclod an' it turned out t' be a shiny gold fork. Bubba had never seed such a thang before. Oh, it weren't thet it wuz gold 'cause Bubba'd seed thangs made of gold before. His momma had a buncha jewlry thet wuz gold (though one of Bubba's frien's had tol' him it wuz only gold on th' outsides) an' J. Earl had gold caps on his front teef from where his real teef had got knocked out in a bar fight. An' Bubba knowed whut a fork wuz 'cause Darlene had a drawerful of 'em thet she'd stole from th' truckstop diner. Heck, Bubba'd even et wif a fork a few times. Not too often, mind ya, 'cause ya don't need forks t' eat peanut butter sammiches, tater tots an' hot wangs. But whut Bubba din't unnerstan' 'bout this gold fork wuz why it wuz so liddle. All th' forks whut Darlene had snuck home unner her waitress uniform had prong thangs almos' two inches long, but th' prongs on th' gold fork wuz barely a inch long.

"Whutcha reckon this funny lookin' fork cud be for?" axed Bubba t' hisself. He'd figgered out thet it wuz smarter t' talk t' hisself 'stead obv Freddy Kruger 'cause he'd stan' a better chance obv gittin' a answer. He recollected sum of th' times he had et wif a fork, like th' time he et deer meat whut J. Earl had runned over wif his ol' pickup truck, an' th' time he et steak thet Darlene had stole from th' Piggly Wiggly. He shore cudn't remember eatin' wif no fork wif liddle bitty prongs. One thang he knowed fer shore, though, wuz thet they weren't no sense axin' Darlene an' J. Earl 'bout it 'cause soon as they seed thet gold they'd jus' take Bubba's fork away an' try t' pawn it t' buy Oxycontin er Jack Daniels er sumfin' like thet. Oh, Bubba figgered th' gold on' th' liddle fork wuz jus' on th' outside like Darlene's jewlry so it weren't worth much, but he din't figger Darlene an' J. Earl wuz smart enuff t' know thet.

"I knows whut I'll do!" Bubba said, still talkin' to hisself., "I'll take this liddle gold fork t' school t'morrow fer show-an'-tell. Sumbuddy'll be able t' tell me whut it's fer." Ya cud tell Bubba wuz really excited 'cause it wuz 'bout th' onliest time he had ever thought goin' t' school on Monday mornin' wuz sumfin' t' look forward to 'stead of a pain in th' ass.

Nex' mornin' Bubba got on th' school bus an' set down nex' t' his buddy Jim Bob. "Lookit this, Jim Bob!" Bubba said, pullin' th' liddle gold fork from his jeans pocket, "I fount it yestiddy in a dirt pile. Whatcha reckon it's fer?"

Jim Bob, he looked at th' fork carefully an' said, "Mus' be fer eatin' sumfin', but I be dammed if I know whut. All th' forks in my house is bigger'n this 'un. Mebbe it's fer eatin' sumfin' we don' eat 'roun here. Mebbe th' teacher'll know. I hear tell she been t' Pensacola one time. They eats funny stuff in 'em big cities. Thangs like raw baitfish an' seaweeds."

So, after th' bus got t' th' schoolhouse an' Bubba an' Jim Bob went to they classroom an' th' teacher called th' roll an' marked mosta th' class absent (Bubba wuzn't th' only kid thet thought goin' t school on Monday mornin' sucked.) it wuz time fer show-an'-tell. Bubba raised his han' t' be fust an' stood up by th' teacher's dest an' taken th' liddle gold fork outta his pocket an' tol' th' other kids how he had fount it in a dirtpile an' thet he din't know whut it wuz fer. One liddle boy name of Kenny raised his han' an' said his momma hadda buncha them liddle forks. Said his gran'ma gived 'em a whole set of new silverware thet she had got at th' WalMart an' it had jus' as many of 'em liddle forks as it did reg'lar size ones. Said they'd sumtimes try an' eat wif 'em when his momma fergot t' wash dishes an' they runned outta reg'lar forks. But they din't feel 'zactly right an' mos' of'en they'd jus' pull out th' ol' forks thet Kenny's momma had stole from th' truckstop diner back when she worked there. (Thet wuz afore she hooked up wif Kenny's daddy whut won't let 'er work no more on accounta he don' want her hangin' 'roun wif no strange men.) Kenny said he reckoned 'em funny lookin' forks wuz probly fer eatin' sumfin people 'roun 'em parts jus' don't eat, but nobuddy in his fambly knowed whut thet might be.

All th' other kids in th' class wuz jus' like Bubba an' had never even seed such a thang, bein' as how Kenny's fambly wuz th' onliest one in 'em parts whut had storebought silverware. Everbuddy else et wif forks they had bought at th' Goodwill or stole from th' truckstop diner. Even th' teacher din't know whut th' liddle fork wuz fer. Yas, she had gone t' Pensacola once, but she had et at a Church's Fried Chicken place thet had liddle plastic thangs called "sporks". Heck, thet place din't even have tables on th' inside, much less liddle gold forks.

So, Bubba din't have no luck findin' out whut his liddle gold fork wuz fer. But thet atternoon when he wuz ridin' back home t' th' dubba-wide on th' school bus he had a ideer. "Jim Bob!" he said t' his buddy, "Kin yore momma take us t' th' Walmart store this atternoon? If'n we cud git there we cud fin' some storebought silverware like whut Kenny's momma's got an' look on th' box it come in, an' mebbe it'd tell us whut 'em liddle forks is fer!"

"Shore," replied Jim Bob, "You knows my momma. She ain't gonna pass up no chance t' go t' Walmart."

So, Bubba an' Jim Bob got off th' bus at Jim Bob's house. Bubba knowed it wun't be no problem him not comin' straight home 'er nuthin' 'cause Darlene wuz workin' th'. atternoon shif' at th' truckstop diner an' J. Earl wuz heppin' 'is buddy Wally cook up Meth in a ol' barn on Wally's uncle's farm. "Hey, Ma!" Jim Bob hollered as soon as they got in th' door, "Me an' Bubba needs t' git t' th' WalMart store powerful bad! It's fer a school projeck an' we needs t' go real soon!"

Jim Bob's momma said, "Aw'ight, Jim Bob. I kin take ya'll jus' as soon as th' Jerry Springer show is over wif. Ya'll go outside an' play fer I wile." An' Jim Bob knowed they wuzn't no use tryin' t' git his ma t' go any earlier 'cause th' onliest thang she loved more'n WalMart wuz Jerry Springer.

So when Jerry Springer wuz over (It were all 'bout a feller thet had done had sex wif ninety per-cent of th' wimmens in th' town where he lived so he'd decided t' git a sex change operation an' become a Lesbian so's he cud do th'other ten per-cent. He ended up gittin' his ass whupped by a hunnert-an'-seven angry husban's an' boyfrien's plus twenty-three wimmens wearin' red an' black lumberjack jackets.), Jim Bob's momma loaded him an' Bubba inta her ol' car an' headed fer th' WalMart in Cres'view. When they got there Bubba an' Jim Bob runned inta th' store an' fount th' housewares section where th' silverware wuz kep' an' pulled a set from th' shelf. The box it wuz in had a see-through lid an, shore enuff, they wuz a buncha liddle forks jus 'like th' one Bubba had fount, only they wuzn't gold. So, they flipped th' box over an started readin' whut wuz in it.

It said:

8 Teaspoons
8 Soup Spoons
8 Butter Knives
8 Dinner Forks
8 Salad Forks

"Well I be dammed!" said Bubba, "Them liddle forks is salad forks! Whut's a salad?"

"I dunno, " replied Jim Bob, "mebbe Momma will know. She watches lots of Home Shoppin' Channel."

So, Bubba an' Jim Bob went an' fount Jim Bob's momma in' the wimmen's unnerwear deepartment admirin' a purple thong wif th' word "Brat" on it (though jus' why a two-hunnert-poun' gal like Jim Bob's momma wud want such a thang is a mystery only th' folks thet run th' WalMart knows th' answer to).

"Momma," Jim Bob axed, "whut's a salad?"

Jim Bob's momma thought fer a minit an' said, "Well, imagine we wuz t' go t' Burger King an' git a Whopper. Then imagine we wuz to eat jus' th' meat from thet Whopper. Then imagine we wuz to eat jus' th' bun. What's lef' is whatchacall a salad."

"You mean salad is jus' stuff thet ain't been cooked?" axed Bubba. "But why wud sumbuddy wanna eat they food raw? An' why wud thet need special liddle forks t' do it wif?"

"Don't ast me," replied Jim Bob's momma, "thet's city foke stuff. If'n ya wanna know 'bout thet kinda stuff ya gotta go t' th' big city where they has fancy res'rants an' such. We is simple fokes 'ere in Floribama an' we don' have no truck with thangs like salad forks an sushi bars."

So, Jim Bob's momma finished her shoppin' (only it weren't really shoppin' cause she din't spen' no money, though thet purple thong wif "Brat" on it wuz seen hangin' on her washline th' nex' week), an' loaded 'em boys back inta her ol' car an' headed back t' th' country an' th' dirt road wif th' rented dubba-wide where Bubba lived.

"You jus' fergit 'bout 'em thangs like salad forks, Bubba." she said as she dropped him off, "Them's citified thangs thet country boys like you don' need t' be worryin' about."

So, as soon as Jim Bob an' his momma had drove off, Bubba went out back t' thet dirt pile where he had fount th' gold salad fork an' dug a deep hole an' buried it.

An' it stayed like thet for a couple year until J' Earl got busted when Wally's Meth lab catched on fire an' the police searched th' dubba-wide an' fount $3,400 worf of forks whut belonged t' th' truck stop up on th' Innerstate. Bubba wuz sent off t' live wif Darlene's aunt in Mizziippi an' sum new fokes moved inta th' dubba-wide an' a liddle boy name of Duane wuz playin' in thet same dirtpile when he fount sumfin' all shiny an' yeller stickin' outta th' dirt an' axed his Rotweiler mix name of Psycho, "Whut's thet?"