Okay, okay, I don't read this Britney FedEx stuff as a rule, but this one caught my eye in the Google News:

Listen up, Britney: Forget K-Fed, and stay off talk show couches
THE FLINT JOURNAL FIRST EDITION
Monday, November 13, 2006 link

Britney Spears may have shed her lesser half, but she need not shed any tears. Now free of dancer/rapper (tee hee)/multiple babydaddy hubby Kevin Federline, it's time for the former Mouse-keteer and mom to get her life and career back on track, and we're gonna tell her how.

Here's our advice for the post-K-Fed Britney:

Don't adopt a baby from a Third World country - We know it's trendy, and her MTV Video Music Awards mentor and liplock partner Madonna has done it, but these are children, not Hummers or imported Japanese sneakers or whatever the latest celebrity "must-have" item is.

Not to mention Britney hasn't proven particularly adroit with the mommying skills - a tip, car seats start at $49.98 at Babies R Us - but it'll also save her the embarrassment of asking for a baby from a foreign country, "Y'know, like New Mexico."

Keep your shoes (or at least socks) on when flying. We hate to rehash an incident from two years ago when Britney took off her shoes on a plane and caused olfactory distress among her fellow first-class passengers, but we have to, for her benefit. Smelly feet don't really jibe with that glam, pop star image, unless you look like Kid Rock or Axl Rose.

Recent appearances and a return to model-esque physique may render this advice moot, but just to be clear: lose the trailer trashy white tank tops.

Take a page out of the Cee-Lo/Gnarls Barkley playbook and record an off-the-wall collaboration with a left-field producer, maybe George Clinton or Fatboy Slim. Bring in another down-on-their-luck pop star (Janet Jackson sure seems to need some love these days) and you've got the comeback story of next year.

Write an autobiography. Make no mistake, the public has an insatiable urge to hear every detail about what a doof Federline was. So capitalize on it by dishing on every microbe of dirt, greasy hair and lughead machismo and relish the fact you don't have to play nice for the gossip rags any more.

Just be sure to hire a good editor. We're anticipating there might be a few typos and run-on sentences that have to be weeded out before it goes to print.

Leverage the above book and resurgent singing career into a side gig as a girl power-esque advice guru for young girls with Bad Boy Syndrome. Before too long, Oprah comes calling with an offer for a recurring spot to give thoughtful words to wayward teens every quarter or so.

Stay away from Scientologists and Kabbalists. After her public relations nightmare of the past few years, the last thing Britney needs to do is have a Tom Cruise couch dance episode on the "Megan Mullally Show" or something.

Get back out there. In that spirit, we even cooked up some potential suitors:

1. Flavor Flav - Purely for comic relief (like Michael Jackson and Bubbles back in the day) and possible reality show deals.

2. Ryan Phillippe - Guy's so down on his luck after getting the boot from Reese Witherspoon, he'll kiss your feet AND the ground you walk on. Just remember the above item about the socks.

3. Nick Lachey - This would be a hard sell for Lachey, who's probably not itching for another blonde pop singer prone to extended bouts of ditziness. But he's a solid guy who can sing (collaboration potential) and might just bite on the chance to stick it to ex-wife Jessica Simpson by moving up the pop cultural food chain.

4. Lance Bass - Just seeing if you're still paying attention.