1. Play your bagpipes late at night. They'll throw you out soon enough.

2. Well, the Babel Fish at Alta Vista is and actually more or less works. Very, very interesting results on folk song, (!) but works pretty ok. It will auto translate a web page if you make it a button on the browser or else you can paste text in to it. Tool page at http://doc.altavista.com/help/search/babel_tool.shtml