7 out ten molluscs said they objected to being labelled a whelk.

A spokeswhelk said, The whole term whelk is demeaning and carries with it many negative connotations. We are trying to shake off the old vinegar and polystyrene cup image. And we object to being linked with obscure American band leaders.

We have approached David Cameron and Tony Blair, and pointed out there were very few molluscs in senior governmant positions - Sir Kenneth Baker was the last mollusc with a job in the cabinet. What a fine education secretary he was!