I don't think you're mentally ill, but I do hope you work through these issues that seem to be blocking you from the happiness which has come into your life. You can't change the past, and what's gone can't be brought back. You have only the present to enjoy in the here and now, and the future to look forward to. You have gone through some rough times (I remember when you posted about your wife's death) and now it seems that there is some happiness in store for you. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm glad for you.