There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard Now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the drain Christmas is pain
There's a crowd on the hillside with hatchets and saws With a keen disregard for the forestry laws And they happily hum while the stumps slowly bleed in the rain Christmas is pain
And the stockings are hung by the chimney with care As if anyone in their right mind would hang 'em there And some tired old crooner is croakin' out carols again Christmas is pain
And you wait for an hour to see Santa Claus And he's covered with velveteen, bourbon and gauze And he pinches your mother and she can't find the words to explain Christmas is pain
And the hungry are hungering on Hunger Street While the people on Plenty Street . . . eat And you punctured the roof of your mouth on a sharp candy cane Christmas is pain
And all the good cheer is just Madison Ave..news And all the best Christmas songs were written by Jews And the eight tiny reindeer have left an embarrassing stain Christmas is pain
And two-thirds of the world doesn't give half a damn And the rest are all bloated on marshmallowed yams And if Jesus was here, he'd be sent to the back of the train Christmas is pain
And they double the price of whatever you need Singin', "I pledge allegiance to corporate greed" And you're forced to spend several hours conversing with your old Aunt Lorraine who's insane with a brain on a plane to Spain where the main stays rainly in the flat terrain Christmas is pain