Dear Barbie and Ditzee,

I regret that I will not be able to attend your celebration as I have a prior commitment. Since we don't have any skyscrapers to drop mirrored balls from here in the wilds of Floribama, it has become our tradition to drop a possum, armadillo, or other offensive creature from the Munson fire tower at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. And, this year, it's my turn to climb the tower and throw the critter off!

I would forego the pleasure and attend your party instead, if not for the fact that the choice of animal to chunk from the tower is left up to the chunker, and I have finally succeeded in trapping the unwelcome and extremely obnoxious yellow Tomcat who has been terrorizing my own dear (neutered) felines for several months now. He and his outsized testicles are currently residing in a large Have-a-Heart trap where he is spitting, snarling, and yowling to beat the band. He'll be singing a different tune when I open that cage suspended over a hundred feet of empty air.

Thanks for the invite. Maybe next year. Don't catch any diseases.

Bruce