M.Ted, just LIVING with some people is a perilous situation. This kind of person is unpredictable. Something that seems okay one time, might set them off next time. There are no guaranteed methods of avoiding upsetting someone like that, short of having nothing to do with them. I think it's remarkable that something like this had not happened earlier. I've been through a similar situation with my ex, and believe me, there is no RIGHT way to act with a person like that.

You think that 20 years of living with him should have given her the ability to know what would set him off? I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Your implication that she could have avoided the situation by acting differently, makes me angry. You don't understand enough, and the last thing she needs to hear now is that she could have done better. No, she did the best she could. And she is probably out there now taking care of business and doing the best things she can for herself and her son.

I understand your concern that she might weaken and "forgive and forget" - it's a valid concern. You can't go through years of this without your self-esteem taking a beating. I know mine did at the time. That is why what she needs most from us is support and positive feedback, and the best thing we can do is give it to her.