This one was inspired by a recent news report in Britain about a drunkard who had to be rescued after collapsing on a railway track (with his head only inches from the live third rail).

One night, the Police are called to another such incident, but by the time they arrive the 20:35 express has gone through and the body is missing its head. The sergeant shakes his head and wonders aloud, "How the Hell are we going to identify this one?"

"Excuse me, Sarge", says one constable, "but you know those three drunks who cause trouble in town every single night ? Well, I've just heard that two of them are on the High Stret now, and they're going from pub to pub looking for their friend Gary. Perhaps we've got what's left of Gary here." "Worth a try", says the sergeant. "Pull those two drunks in, and take them to the morgue. Let's see if they can identify this."

The first alky is taken into the morgue. The sergeant asks, "Sorry if this is distressing for you, but is this the body of your friend Gary ?" The drunk focusses blearily, then says, "I can't tell from this angle. Turn him over, will you." The surprised mortuary assistants turn the body onto its front. "No, I don't think that's him", says the drunk. "OK", says the sergeant. "Send your friend in, see if he does any better."

The second drunk lurches into the room. "Is this your friend Gary ?" asks the sergeant again. The drunk says, "I don't know. Turn him over, please". Once again, the assistants turn the headless corpse onto its front. "No, that's not him", says the drunk, emphatically. "OK, sorry to trouble you", says the sergeant. "Before you go, can you tell us what distinguishing mark or feature you were looking for on the back of the body ?". "Sure", says the drunk. "Gary had two rectums, if that's the right name for them."

"Yes, that's the correct medical term", says the pathologist. "But are you sure of your facts ? I've never heard of anyone with that condition." "Well, I haven't actually seen them myself", confesses the drunk, "But every time the three of us walked into a pub, someone would say, 'Oh sh*t, here comes Gary with those two arseholes ! '".