I don't mind the masculine pronouns. I'd also say the female pronouns would be OK. If someone wrote a song full of she and her, I wouldn't tell them they should give equal time to males. You're writing the song for you, so be true to YOU.

If you do change it, I'd prefer the middle be female, then go back to male. Talking about a whole group of 'them' removes the personal, this-is-someone-real element. If anythng, I'd prefer it to be MORE personal, maybe by hinting at a memory. You had to have someone in mind when you wrote this, and you've praised the sort of person he is, but eliminated him.

One hazard of asking people for criticism is that some folks will tell you about the song they want you to write, not the one you wrote. Make the one you wrote the best it can be, but make sure it stays yours. Just my opinion. (Based partly on me asking for criticism once and getting "why didn't you write about THIS?," and "why didn't you say THIS?" I think that's THEIR song to write.

I suspect I'll like whatever you do, and I'd like to hear it someday too.