Add this Ray Stevens master of madness to your jam session.


SMOKY MOUNTAIN RATTLESNAKE RETREAT
Ray Stevens

Well, me and Doris went on vacation.
We decided we needed more than recreation
So we enrolled in a bible camp retreat.
I got the directions and we took off.
It only took six hours to get to completely lost
Way back up in the mountains of east Tennessee.

Well, it was gettin' real dark and I was startin' to fret.
Doris said, "Looky yonder, bet that's it"
And she pointed to the lights of this little church way back in the woods.
An old man met us. I said, "Just two."
And he escorted us down to the very first pew,
And I said "Doris I don't think this is the right place." She just said, "Hush!"

Well, they preached some sermons, an' sang some songs,
Then they preached some more, went on and on.
Nearly wore me out. I had about all I could take.
Then they pulled down the stage, and things quieted down.
This guy next to me punched me, said, "Here, pass this down."
I turned and looked and son-of-a-gun he handed me a snake.

CHORUS: Oh, the night that me and Doris went runnin' through the forest
Way back up in the hills of Tennessee,
Yeah, we started makin' tracks, when they broke out the diamondbacks
And scared the devil out of poor old Doris and me.

He said, "Take it, man. Don't you believe?"
I said, "I believe, alright. I believe I'll leave."
And I reached for Doris and she done fainted away, white as a sheet.
Now, I couldn't pick her up and I couldn't find the door,
And them rattlers was crawlin' all 'round the floor,
And, friend, that's when the spirit hit my feet.

I started runnin' down isles an' bouncin' off walls
Like somebody teed off a new golf ball
In a tiled bathroom. Friends, I mean I's movin' on.
I'd run past Doris ever' minute or two,
Tryin' to shake her, or wake her, but it wasn't no use.
For a while there, I thought the Lord had called the poor thing home.

Then somebody dropped a big 'un in her lap.
Doris come to and something in her snapped.
She grabbed that thing by the tail, commenced to swingin' it around her head.
Then she gave it a crack like Lash Larue
And its head came off and sailed across the room.
Then she did a tap dance on the rest of them suckers till they was all dead.

Well, I grabbed her by the hand and we headed for the car.
She hollered to the preacher, "I don't know who you are,
Or where you came from, or how you ever learned how to preach,
But lemmee tell you somthin', you old raggedy scamp:
You don't know nothin' 'bout runnin' no bible camp,
And me and my husband are on our way to Daytona Beach."

CHORUS: Oh, the night that me and Doris went runnin' through the forest
Way back up in the hills of Tennessee
Yea, we started makin' tracks, when they broke out the diamondbacks
And scared the devil out of poor old Doris and me.

Repeat chorus and fade ---