I stole these of another site.

Jack and Jill's marriage hadn't been going' well for sometime so they both decided to visit a marriage counselor together. The counselor asked what was their problems at which Jill started firing off complaint after complaint about Jack not doing' this and not doing' that. There was no intimacy or loving'. The counselor cut Jill short and asked her to stand up, which she did. The counselor went 'round and grabbed Jill and gave her the biggest most passionate kiss she'd had in years, with the counselor saying to Jack 'Now that's what your wife needs 3 or 4 times a week' Jack relied 'Well okay, but I can only bring her round here from Monday to Thursday 'cause I'm either fishing' or golfing' on the other three.
***********************************************************************************
These are from someone who was issuing "Idiot" signs.

Number One Idiot of 2005

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2005

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2005

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote 'this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2005

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his 40.

Smartass... but you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of 2005

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2005

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign Idiot Number Seven of 2005

Arkansas; Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.)

***********************************************************************************
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
***********************************************************************************
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2;38! (Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.)'

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's.'
***********************************************************************************
An old Louisiana farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said; 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
***********************************************************************************
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,

'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Rich. May I please speak with Robin Carter? '

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.* I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an ...hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,* 'You're an ...hole!'* It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '...hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said;

'Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ...hole!'

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.* A couple of days later, right after calling the first ...hole, (I had his number on speed dial) , I thought I had better call the BMW ...hole, too.* I said

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

'Yes, it is.'

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

'What's your name?' I asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer,' he said.

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

'I'm home every evening after five.'

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

'Yes?'

'Don, you're an ...hole.'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ...holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ...hole #1.

'Hello.'

'You're an ...hole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

'Are you still there?' he asked.

'Yeah,' I said.

'Stop calling me,' he screamed.

'Make me,' I yelled.

'Who are you?' he asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer.'

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

'...hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole.'

Then I called ...hole #2.

'Hello?' he said.

'Hello, ...hole,' I said.

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are!'

'You'll what?' I said.

'I'll kick your ...,' he exclaimed.

I answered, 'Well, ...hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two ...holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!!!
***********************************************************************************
Four married guys go on a fishing trip. After an hour they start talking about how they got permission from their wives to go.

First guy; 'You have idea what I have to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the rooms in the house next weekend'.

Second guy; 'That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would a new deck around the pool'.

Third guy; 'Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her'. They continue fishing when they realized the forth guy has not said a word. You haven't said a what you had to do to come fishing this weekend.

Fourth guy; 'I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I give the wife a nudge and say, 'Fishing or sex' and she says 'Wear a sweater'.
***********************************************************************************
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.'

'How can you say such a thing!?' asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, 'Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.'

'My God!' screamed the lawyer. 'Where's my Rolex?'