sung by Ted Haggard,

If I had a hammer
I'd hammer on the gays and queers
If I had a second chance
all over this land
I'd preach about Satan
I'd preach about gay ay sin
I'd preach about hate between the faithful and the sinners
all all over this land.

If I had an ego
I'd brag about it endlessly
If I had a book to sell
all over this land.
I'd spew out blind faith
I'd spew out God's design
I'd spew out evolution is the devil's institution
all all over this land

If I had an hour show
I'd ask for viewers last dollar
If I were on TV
all over this land
God needs all your rent checks
God needs all your savings
I'd tell them that all they give would come back twice as needed.
all all in the name of God.
-but sign the check to Haggard-
all all over this laaaaaand