You buncha clowns thing you can be in MY Legion, huh? Well, maggots, here's the deal, so lissen up! You gotta pass this test. Send your results to your representative in your national assembly; it will be forwarded to me.

So, you wanna join the legion?

The Test

Complete this test completely. Do not lie, fudge, fib, or try to wriggle out of the correct answer. You will be penalized for each incorrect answer and possibly for each correct one as well. Do not use diagrams. Do not complete the test by using crayons, pencil, a brush, or anything besides a ballpoint pen that produces dark blue or dark black ink. Answers which cannot be read because of smeared ink, alcohol stains, or anything else will
be counted as wrong. You have 20 minutes to finish and then The Test will self-destruct, probably taking you with it. Begin whenever you feel like it. Be precise and answer everything fully.

NAME:

REAL NAME:

YOUR NAME IN THE STATES:

Not that it matters, but do you live in Idaho?    Yes      No    Maybe

Sex:   Male    Female   Other   None   Unsure    Yes, please   No, not now

Circle Last Educational Level Attempted:

Grade School   High School   College   Grad School   More   Less   None

1. You are in charge of a platoon which has been ordered to attack a hill defended by ten thousand people who are armed with everything you can imagine and then some. You have 40 people. What do you do?

A. Carry out the mission no matter the costs!

B. Take a vote on what to do.

C. Flip a coin: heads we go for beer, tails we take a nap.

D. Tell the guy who told you to do this dumb thing to go &%$! him or her
self.

2. Reference: US Rifle, Caliber .30, M-1: What is the name of that little pin that holds the forked rod that goes into the spring? The pin that you’re always dropping and without which your M-1 won’t work? Do you know? If you do, will you please tell me?

3. What is the maximum rate of fire for the Musket, caliber .69, “Brown
Bess” Model 2? Why should you care? Nobody uses flintlocks
anymore anyway.

4. Explain yourself. Try to be coherent.

5. How would YOU go about putting the Budweiser back in
Clydesdales?

6. Can you sing? Should we let you do so? Why?

7. You’ve drunk 3 glasses of Devil’s Piss, 6 Pink Panty Droppers, and a Purple Jesus or two or three or more. What will you drink next?

8. Physical Examination: Can you pat your head, rub your tummy, and
play the bagpipes, all at the same time?

9. If a locomotive leaves point A at precisely 1317 hours and travels
towards point B at 124 kph, and a second train leaves point B at 1333
hours and travels towards point A at 89 kph, what shithead should be
blamed for putting them on the same track?

10. Do you speak a language other than English? If so, what? Now
translate the following:

     Mert lofrát tinglû, Mers Fluggan. Dejit nørcamt en enciente y camino
Ưstanŋų ber þyatnö finger locamisso Ægonicus nostros. Amen.

This is the end of the test. Turn in your paper. Do not discuss this test with
your classmates, friends, or enemies, or else.