I have had success in relationship building and mutual alliance commitments with people whose "side" I understood well enough to speak to them in terms they understood, within their own frame of reference and beliefs, and upon a base of having studied their perspectives to one dregree or another in advance. Quite often, folks hold positions that are contrary to their own stated "belief system." When that happens, and it's pointed out in loving, non-accusatory terms that indicate some understanding for the complexities their "system" presents, the result has often been concord.

It does not mean that I subscribe or pretend to subscribe to their beliefs; it means that I respect that they ARE valid beliefs for that other person, and that there is a route to common ground, often, because of those beliefs.

Right now we're discussing spiritual beliefs, but I think maybe you could see what I am saying if we talked about it in terms of other types of values or beliefs. It holds true between Dems and Repubs, and it holds true between African Americans and "white" folk, it holds true between teachers and administrators and between teachers or administrators and parents of "troublemaking" students; it holds true between women and men. If the conversation has the element of respect for whatever difference there may be betwen two people, the amount of common ground is often quite surprising to one or both parties.

Another area of common ground has been seen, whenever relationship has been put first, between Palestinian Arabs and Israeli Jews. The number of people sincerely willing and able to sustain that effort may be small, but it is known historically, nonetheless, similarly to what I have known from my own experience.

It isn't easy, it isn't neat, and it doesn't always feel comfortable; but hopeful results can be seen.

If that has not been your experience, I can understand why that seems hard to fathom, and I am certainly not saying that one MUST communicate on that basis-- merely that it can be done, and with surprisingly gratifying results for far less effort than one might estimate looking at it without having had an experience of it.

I didn't invent it; there is a lot of nonviolent communication theory and practice as well as other theoretical bases that have underpinned such an approach. I am lucky, that I happened to participate in such relationship building led by others with experience and skill, which I then put into practice, as best I could, in settings in which I exercised some leadership... and as I am still sometimes called upon to do in the settings in which I now move.

Again, I ain't telling anyone what to do, but I am pointing to what CAN be done.

~Susan