Hello, my real name is Shlomo Johosafat Schlump. I am a professional loser. I have been a loser in school, the music business, the film industry, writing, cartooning and politics.

At first glance one might think that my name contributed to my accomplished losership, but that would be far from the truth. Being a loser is however my family heritage.

You probably know my father. He was both famous and unknown. He was the unknown comic who always wore a paper bag over his head while performing. He was the king of all loserdom until the Gong Show was canceled. My mother was very skilled as a crafts person but never found commercial success for any of the hundreds of projects she developed. For example she became a master at the spinning wheel and found that she could spin the hair pulled out of the dog brush and knit very nice sweaters for dogs. Dogs however would either start knawing and biting themselves or merely smell like a wet dog whenever they wore one of Mom's seaters. I feel that she somehow missed her calling. I had no illusions about my father's lack of a career. Even when I was a little boychic my dad was never my hero.

My childhood heros were Eyore, Porky Pig and Wile Coyote. As a teenager I idolized Woody Allen because it was as though he had read the transcript of my life and turned it into the film 'Take the Money and Run'. I mean it was accurate right down to my playing cello in the marching band but the part about me robbing a bank never happened. I tried my had ar films, literally. My semenal work was 'Somthing liquid this way comes' but due to the lack of any synchronization between the sound and the picture it lack the power I had envisioned.

I had just turned 21 when Douglas Adams captured my very soul in his character Marvin the robot. I once bought a ticket to hear Douglas Adams lecture at the University of Rochester but when I got there I cold not find the auditorium despite the hundreds of "DO NOT PANIC" posters advertising the time and place of the lecture. As I recall the poster had a button on it just like the guide to the universe, and truth be told, I even tried pushing it to no avail.

Then I tried pot. Something happened and 22 years later I discovered the internet.

I began to post my poems on every poem website I could find. At last count I have been banned on 167 poetry forums. Even my website on which I spent $2,800 over 10 years got erased. The only internet forum I have not been banned from has been the Mudcat forum. I don't know why, but it has been the one light in the tunnel of failure which is my home. I once met a mudcat member but as I expected, they never called again.

Oh yes and I did learn how to use photoshop a bit and made a bunch of cartoons about Bush who I recognized as a loser who was accidently brought up to great hieghts, but the cartoons got erased on a hard drive crash when I got hit by lightning last summer when I stood by an open second floor window of my former house that I bought with the insurance money that my mom took out on my father which reminds me that ever since that lightning strike, I have had a tendency toward run on sentences.

You might think that collecting on insurance was a success but with mom serving time for my dad's untimely death, things have a way of averaging out on the loser side.

Anyway being a professional loser today is a lot better than the old days when a loser was a GEEK who bit the heads off chickens instead of driving VW bugs and fixing computers. You would be surprised by the opportunities for losers. In Vegas they call us coolers and out on the farm they call us rain makers, however I can only make it hot sticky and humid. You know what they say, its not the heat its the humility.

I guess I'll go now and have another balogna sandwich on Wonder bread and a slice of humble pie. Damn, I'm out of RC cola.

btw
Its the perfect diet food to maintain a white, pasty and bland complection.

maybe you might want to tell about the real you?