The National Institutions of Health reported in a report reported on June 3, 2004, that sex with guitars is one of the leading causes of premature failure. Dr. Ivan Gnoodsen said, "Pickups should be avoided and people should stick to acoustic models. There's nothing like a nice, slim, nubile...excuse me, be right back." His assistant confirmed that pickups have even been responsible for the deaths of an average of 22.7 unprotected sexual partners, know in medical jargon as "stiffs." When he returned, Dr. Gnoodsen also warned against the use of picks: "Nothing will punch a hole in your Fender or Martin quicken that a well-placed blow from a pick," he said. "A pick will do as much damage to a guitar as it will to compacted soil: a lot. This is especially hard on anyone having sex with a guitar when someone else hits it with a pick."