A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.
This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
(Please notice I'm doing my best not to cut and paste any really funny ones. I know it hurts to laugh after one's appendix have been removed.)
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, 'Doc, what happened to my baby!' The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.' 'Oh, no!' shrieked the woman. 'Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!' The doctor replied, 'Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise.' 'Oh, that's no so bad,' smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, 'What's the boy's name?' The doctor grinned and said, 'Denephew.
Actual Quotes from Medical Records The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.