Oh all right. Never could resist a dare. But beware - this song should carry a bad taste warning!

Rectal Bleeding Calypso - Words & Music ©: John Dengate

I was passing some rectal blood
Sometimes half a cup –
So I go up to the doctor,
Thinking he will fix me up.
He poke around in my rectum
'Til his face is wreathed in smiles.
As he idly toyed with a haemorrhoid,
He says "Have you got piles?".
      
Chorus
Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding,
Or some sim'lar disease – Ooh!
Stay a-way from the hospitals
And the doctors' surgeries.

But I don't get snaky or cranky –
I know he's doin' his best.
He say, sincerely and frankly
I must see the specialist.
Oh! The specialist is a rugby man –
He ruck the Uni scrum.
He practise shoving and pushing
With this thing stuck up my bum!

Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Oh! Off to specialist number two
And this he say to me:
"Have to put you in hospital,
For colon-os-co-py".
Oh! Colonoscopy does not sound like
Very pleasant idea
And first you swallow this poisonous muck
That gives you diarrhoea!

Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Oh! Doctor say to me, sadly,
With a face like wise old owl:
Colonoscoscope won't go round
The main loop of your bowel.
Barium enema – that's the thing
He reckons must be tried.
I should have taken the coward's way
And planned on suicide!

Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding ...

Is no damn wonder that my hand shake –
No wonder I imbibe.
Barium enema … so damned terrible,
Words can not describe.
I've had a bowel and a belly-full,
I've had much more than I need.
I've naught to show, for they still don't know,
What causes me to bleed.

Oh! If you suffer from rectal bleeding
Or some sim'lar disease – Ooh!
Stay a-way from the hospitals
And the doctors' surgeries.