( A handsome dark young woman reporter D.K. with head scarf looking straight into the camera)
=zoom into head shot=
The surgeantic interim report issued this week by the DOD reported that all the Al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed but not necesarily by coalition forces. "They may have been hit by insurgents, sunnis, shiites, kurds, thugs, dead enders, a gang of goons or a bunch of raggy headed ho bo's but we're just aren't sure" said Lt. Gen. Lou Tenet.

The reconfirmed dead include all the 1st tier intelligence operatives such as Al Kman Gedoffit and nuclear weapon expert Ahmed Dahamedahameda.

The postitively deconfirirmed dead include Obama bin Loadin, Alsorta Qrapa, Al Dayan Nite.

On top of this report an eerie echo of the defeatocratic Congressman Murtha, Faulker and Hassel Stinkworthy say the reports are possibly exaggerations.

General Betrayus assures FOX news that no one has done anything to halt the altering of more than a thousand truth based scenarios that come straight from the top.
Betrayus said,
=cue stock picture of Gen B=
"Yes indeed all the Al Qaeda in Iraq have been killed but not necesarily by coalition forces and not necessarily by antone else either. Whoever has killed all the Al Qaeda in Iraq, tell em thanks! We've been lookin for these guys."

When CBS asked to provide some proof or evidence The DOI produced hundreds of documents and photos showing various globs of goo with a speck of clothing or shoe attached. =cue stock photo of aged Dan Rather= Retired and disgraced reporter Dan Rather said that the pictures were clearly photoshopped.

Under sub secretary of dis information office Gabe Goat, responded that they do not even have a legal copy of Photo Shop and futhermore, we use Correl Paint.
=cue pictures of space shuttle=
There have been rumors that President Bush may in fact land on the International Space Station and declare an end to all Al Qaeda operations in Iraq.

=cue tape of Bush xb71=

When The President was asked before a assembly of defense contractors if this was finally mission accomplished and that we would be leaving Iraq, he said
"When whatchur doin is working you keep runnin that play until the mission is done". (Huge cheers!)
When will it be done Mr. President?
"The sooner we can be done with all this waste of time term of office timelines and guidlines and and, 'are we there yet' questions the sooner we finish the mission". (Huge cheers!)

We could hear singing and celebrating American Businessmen above the ceaseless techno beat coming from nightclubs   
ding dong al qaeda's dead
what al qaeda
All al Qaeda
ding dong all al qaeda's dead...

=live shot of DK with skyline=

This is Duyuwanna Khan reporting from Dubai.