A local guy had a few rules which he likely got from someone else.
1) Never pass up an opportunity to pee
2) Never trust a fart
3) Never waste a hard-on

First, it was being told it was normal for short-distance vision to go to hell starting around 40. I protested. Surely someone would have informed me before it happened to me! I felt this wasn't fair, and that if parts weren't guaranteed for the life of the... life, there should be a warning in the owner's manual. Heck, I didn't even GET an owner's manual!

Ok, so there was the the vision thing, which was only the tip of the iceberg. As I got older, I found that I had to cut back on the coffee unless I wanted to be awake and bouncing off the walls at 3AM.

Then there was the menopause thing. The worst thing about that for me was gaining a lot of weight and waking up to bounce off the walls at 4 or 5 AM after not going to sleep (because of bouncing off the walls) until midnight or 2 or 3AM. I was NEVER a 'morning person', and now I can drive other morning people nuts. Then there's getting up to pee at various offensive times during the night. It's not that I have a wimpy bladder or obsess about having to pee, but it seems my kidneys go into overdrive when I go horizontal and unconscious. I suppose waking up to pee a couple times a night isn't as bad as NOT waking up.

Stuff hurts for no reason, except maybe because I gained a bunch of weight and stuff hurts more when you're pissed off about not sleeping because of bouncing off the walls. I'm fine when I excercise regularly, but if I don't, my muscle tone goes to hell in about 2 hours. It formerly maintained a more appropriate sort of baseline.

Yes, we should talk about butt-holes. If we were made by a large people manufacturer, they'd probably have to do a recall. You know, like

ACME Incarnation, Inc. has announced a recall for all models of human bodies. It was discovered that the assholes [PN(_o_)] on some models can fail without warning. They may lock in the closed or open position, open unexpectedly, or leak. ACME is working on a replacement model, but until testing can be completed, we will be issuing temporary solutions 1) the Dyedeepoo™ disposable anal leakage absorption device, and/or 2) the Corkomatic™

We apologize for the inconvenience. We failed to forsee the possibility of people outliving their assholes.