Deckman, as an aside, a neighbor of my mother's got a job in a lumber-selling place. He stacked lumber and moved it around (forklift) and did other physical stuff like that. He did this until he fell at home and hurt his back, which laid him up for a while, and he had a bunch of health problems after that. He was 82.

Can we talk about teeth? If you have any, know that your fillings will fall out and your teeth will crack until you buy a dentist a BMW with what you or your insurance company spend on crowns.

THEN, the ungrateful bastards get unruly. I asked my dentist (the last time I got a crown, about 2 weeks ago) why my front teeth were becoming uneven after years - nay, decades - of being content with their positions. He said, "It's crowding." I said, "Huh? There's nothing pushing on them or anything. The front ones are just moving around in there and pushing each other out of the way!" He said, "Well, yeah [unspoken 'HELLO? DUH!]... it's called crowding. They all try to get in the middle of your jaw and crowd each other. It happens when you get older."

I sensed an unspoken reprimand, "Didn't you read your owner's manual!?"

Just one more secret they're trying to keep...

Stay tuned for the next segment, "Where Has My Pubic Hair Gone, Anyway?"