Last time I crapped by pants was in 5th grade.

Squeezed, puckered my way home.

Timing was crucial. No one home. The hidden key took too long to use...and pants became pooh.

This week, first time ever. In bed .... fifty years later, let a fart and shitted the sheets.

This material is COPYRIGHTED - and may not be used in any comedic performance.

Now THAT pretty well put the kabash on any variation of "I'm not sheet slitter" for all future humorists