Last year, in February, my mother suffered a devastating stroke which left her unable to communicate or move. She was being fed through a tube into her stomach and just lay in bed all day with the TV on, in a nursing home. For a few months she was aware of averything going on around her but she then went into a semi-comatose state and finally died of a chest infection in November. We were unable to have the feeding tube removed once it was in, although her quality of life was non-existent. All we could do was make an order for palliative care only, a move that was sanctioned by the nursing home staff.

From the point of view of her family and, I think, the nursing home staff, it would have been kinder to allow her, at 86, to slip away soon after the stroke occurred. The only advantage to keeping her alive might have been that, after a twenty year estrangement, I finally made my peace with her when she was not in a position to hurt me any more. I'm not sure that was worth the nine months that she lay dying.

To me quality of life is important. What's the point of a few months more if it is lived in misery? I agree, if your father is able to make his own decision that should be paramount but, from what you say, he only has short periods of lucidity. That leaves you with a very heavy load. All I can say is, if it were one of mine I would be looking for the gentlest solution possible to ease their passing and I would hope that, if I were in the same position, my children would be doing the same for me.

All the best to you Mary. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.