My own dear Da was diagnosed with a brain tumour at 86 years old and as Sian said we were told it was a secondary tumour. They knew this from the scan of the brain tumour. But due to his age they wouldnt test to find out where the primary cancer was, although we did ask.

He had never spent a day in hospital in all of his 86 years so the primary cancer was unknown of, and we worried that it may be causing pain now that they couldnt treat.

They found the brain tumour after he collapsed at home and was taken to casualty, he was given 2-12 weeks to live and he lasted 6. He was given steroids that along with the tumour changed his whole personality. He became agressive and like your Dad was lucid for maybe ten minutes. In which he kept apologising for the 'pressure' he was putting the family under.

Very soon he was in constant pain, although we never knew if it was from the brain tumour, the primary tumour or his imagination. The steroids gave him an artificial appetite and the hospital fed him two or three bowls of porridge every morning before we got there, until we pointed out from his notes he wasn't having any bowel movements and were they waiting for him to explode?

The pain relief had no effect. He had a barbaric four weeks in hospital. They kept telling us to put him in a nursing home, although by now he maybe only had 8 weeks to live. They didnt have a bed for someone to die in basically. They admitted none of the homes locally were designed for the close terminal patient.

We fought this with the strength we had left and insisted on palliative care - they sent a macmillan nurse to look at him in the ward and prescribe drugs that we would find unadministered on his locker when we got there at 10 am every day.

We managed to get him into a hospice for the last two weeks and it was like he had entered heaven. The staff prescribed drugs that instantly took away his pain - and I do mean instantly. The very drugs that a consultant at the hospital had also prescribed, but according to his notes were 'out of stock.'The steroids were stopped immediately too.

He looked peaceful at last and slowly faded away. He went to sleep and didn't awake.

If we had to make those decisions again we would. But we would have wished his life could have ended earlier than it did and we could avoid his suffering for him. His time in hospital was pitiful. But we were told the hospice only took people who had been diagnosed with two weeks life left - and as his original diagnosis said 2 -12 he missed out going there immediately.

Get as many opinions as you can, doctors can be remarkably honest at these times, ask them what they would want for their parent. They dont deliberately make it hard for the patient, but budgets and facilities constrain them. Try and get him into a hospice as soon as possible if you decide not to accept the treatment. They are wonderful places, staffed with dedicated nurses who have the time to allow someone to die with dignity. I have nothing but praise for them.

You have a sad time ahead of you, that is sure, I wish you strength and peace.