I decided to filter out an obnoxious character at Vinnie's Bar last night. This guy had been mouthin' off about a lotta stuff that he didn't know squat about, and he kept addressin' remarks to me, askin' rhetorical questions like, "Why don't you chimps go back to Africa? What makes you think you belong in a man's world?" and stuff like that.

So I just started ignorin' the sap totally. Like he wasn't even there. He didn't like that, and he kept gettin' louder and louder. I sipped my drink with exaggerated ease, took a drag on my stogie, yawned, stretched, scratched a bit, read the menu...

He started yellin' threats. I concentrated on my whisky.

Finally the idiot got off his chair, came stormin' over to my table, and said, "I'm talkin' to you, you filthy ape!"

I slowly put my drink down. Adjusted the angle of my hat. "You been filtered out," I said. "You ain't even here no more. If you was, I'd bust yer chops, but you ain't. You left 10 minutes ago. Go take a look and you'll see it for yourself. You ain't in this joint no longer. You are lying outside this joint in the gutter, and probably in need of medical attention. Go take a look out there and see if I'm lyin' or not."

He didn't buy it. Some drunks can be led pretty easy. Some drunks woulda gone out to see if they was in the gutter. Not this one. He yelled and screamed at me and waved his fist in my face. He said he was gonna kill me.

"Okay," I says, gettin' out of my chair. "I'll prove it to you, then. Take a swing at me."

Well, he did, and he missed. Most drunks have lousy aim and timing. Not only did he miss, but when I sidestepped him I grabbed his arm and I assisted him in leavin' the joint by bouncin' him off the wall next to the front entrance, bustin' a chair over his head, and then pickin' him up and pitchin' him through the front door. I happened to do it just as these three local Irish hoods was comin' in and they all got tangled up together with that guy and fell in a struggling knot on the front steps. The three Irish hoods proceeded to beat the livin' daylights outta this guy for no particular reason, and I went back and finished my drink. I've noticed that humans are quite happy to fight with complete strangers over nothin' in particular. They seem to kind of enjoy it, matter of fact.

I left about five minutes later and there was this same guy, layin' in the gutter just like I said. He was just comin' around and takin' some note of his situation.

"See?," I said. "I told you you wasn't in that bar. You shoulda listened."

People should have more faith in me when I tell them stuff like that.

- Chongo