Ah Kendall... you have to wonder about your relationship with the lovely Jacqui... she'll go in the sea up to her armpits for Seamus, but for you, she won't even sit in the sink. The dog has it, mate.... you just might as well stay in that basement for ever!

As for phones at funerals - it's become part of the service now to ask for phones to be switched off...

Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust,
Turn off the phone or I'll bury it fust.

Here's my contribution - to the tune of 'A long time ago'...

Well I thought I heard a mobile phone
And you think so, and you know so
Well it rang in the middle of me journey home
A long time it rang

Well I thought I heard the owner say
And you think so, and you know so
I'm on the train love, I'm on my way
A long time it rang

Well I said 'To me that phone you'll pass
And you think so, and you know so
And I stuffed it where the sun don't shine
A long time it rang!

LTS