I was crewing a boat up the Duwamish River in Seattle yesterday, and chatted with the Captain about my time on a ship in the Mississippi. I told how I would sing "Old Man River" while making my watch rounds, and then the conversation went into political correctness. This is the result.

^^ Elderly Person River

With apologies to Messrs. Kern and Hammerstein

by
Wendy Joseph
2007

        Elderly Person River
        You Elderly Person River
        You have cognition
        But are verbally challenged
        You merely continue
        Merely continue to transit

        You do not cultivate
        Tuberosum or gossypium
        And the cultivators
        Are deleted files-um
        But Elderly Person River
        You merely continue to transit

        You and I perspire and exert
        Corporal affliction, vibrating with discomfort
        Convey that vessel, elevate that merchandise
        Become inebriated and incarcerated

        I become fatigued
        And diseased from endeavoring
        Exhausted of existence
        And frightened of expiring
        But Elderly Person River
        You merely continue to transit


Original: "Old Man River," from SHOWBOAT (1927) by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II

(Elongated intro:)
Here we all work 'long the Mississippi
Here we all work while the white folk play
Pullin' them boats from the dawn till sunset
Gettin' no rest till the judgment day

Don't look up and don't look down
Ya don't dast make the white boss frown
Bend your knees and bow your head
And pull that rope until you're dead

Let me go 'way from the Mississippi
Let me go 'way from the white man boss
Show me that stream called the River Jordan
That's the old stream that I long to cross
(End of intro)

Ol' Man River, that Ol' Man River
He must know somepin', but he don't say nothin'
He just keeps rollin', he keeps on rollin' along

He don't plant taters, and he don't plant cotton
And them what plants 'em is soon forgotten
But Ol' Man River, jest keeps rollin' along

You and me, we sweat and strain
Bodies all achin' and wracked with pain
Tote that barge and lift that bale
Ya get a little drunk and ya lands    in ja-ail

I gets weary and so sick of tryin'
I'm tired of livin', but I'm feared of dyin'
And Ol' Man River, he just keeps rollin' along