Cor, it's been bloody awful! We 'ad made wot I now see as a serious error in judgement. We moved back to 'Ull this spring. It seemed loik a good idea at the time. Me cousin Ethel 'ad a flat for us wot was cheap and conveniently located, bein' close to shopping and all.

Then came this 'orrible weather! I knew we was in for a bad blow, but I 'ad no idea just 'ow bad it could get. Me Eddie was on the couch in 'is usual position, watching darts on the telly when water started pourin' in under the front door loik a Niagara!

"Bloody 'ell!" I screams. "Eddie, we've got to evacuate! Turn off the damned telly and get up!"

"I'm not movin'," says 'e. "This is the championship round."

"I don't care if it's the bloody coronation of the Queen! Get fecking off the couch, you stupid sod! We're bein' flooded out!"

"Wild 'orses couldn't get me off this couch," 'e replies, 'angin' grimly onto the remote.

By this time the water is up to me ankles and risin'. The cat 'as fled the premises. Me carpets are bein' ruint! Eddie looks down disapprovingly at 'is feet, which are gettin' wet, and says, "Get me that stool, love. I need to put me feet up."

That tore it. I went bleedin' berserk. I stood there screamin' at the stupid git for the next five minutes while the water rose around us, but 'e wouldn't move an inch. 'E just kept glued to 'is damned darts show. When the water reached me waist, I'd 'ad enough.

"Fine, then! Drown, you fool!" I yelled, and I fled for the back door. I emerged to find a veritable torrent of water pourin' through the yard and into the street beside. There is a small tree there and I some'ow managed to drag meself out of the maelstrom and climb up into it, where I found meself in the company of f'hree cats, one of 'em bein' ours. They was all wet f'rough and so was I.

As I watched in 'orror the house was literally lifted off its foundations! The walls shifted and sagged wiv a terrible crunching sound. Then I saw me Eddie, still sittin' on the couch and grippin' the TV remote, come floatin' out roight f'rough the disintegratin' walls of our former dwelling place. 'Is knuckles were white as 'e looked about 'im wiv a very vexed expression on 'is fat face.

"This won't do!" I 'eard 'im say. 'E sounded cross, loik someone 'oo 'as discovered that the toast is burnt.

Roight there before me gobsmacked eyes me 'usband was swept away down the street and out of sight! This could be the end of me Eddie!

Well, I 'ave some good news. 'E survived. It seems that 'e was swept all the way down to the river, still sittin' on 'is couch, and that 'e collided there wiv a barge, causing it to sink. The barge owners say they are going to sue for damages. I say they can go stuff themselves! Eddie and the couch then ran aground on the river bank where 'e was eventually rescued by the army corps of engineers wot got a crane and they 'oisted 'im onto a flatbed trailer and brought 'im back.

Eddie is devastated over the fate of our telly which was lost in the flood. 'E sat for hours, plaintively clickin' the useless remote, and gazin' blankly at the wall. I fink 'e's still in a state of shock.

We are takin' refuge wiv me cousin Ethel for the moment. 'Er telly is unfortunatly not functional. It got wet in the flood. Tempers are getting frayed 'ere, and I fink me Eddie is close to the breakin' point. I 'ave to secure a working telly or there will be 'ell to pay.

- Olive Whatnoll