Not PC
words and music - Duncan McFarlane

(Frustrated at work by the yet another network crash – and having just read through the 'bawdy' chapter in Kennedy's Folk Song Book, what else was I to do with the afternoon? I don't 'do' comedy, but since I included this in my set (as a spoof) it's gone down so well, I get told off when I don't include it. It's become my most requested song - now I find that VERY disturbing!)



As I was once a-walking – in me place of work one day
I spied a pretty maiden – she unto me did say
'If you've the time and trouble – then I will have you stand
And help me with me windows, sir – for I could use a hand'

She'd quite a case before her – a lovely monitor screen
The contours of her keyboard – were the finest I had seen
I leaned to take a closer look – twas then our eyes did meet
Says she 'Why don't you press control and follow with alt/delete'

Well I'm no expert at this lark – in fact I'm quite a dunce
But I can spot an opening – need asking only once
No sooner was I next to her – she this to me did say
I hope you've got your caps lock on – press insert right away

She bid me tap on enter – oh, now guess then what I found
She had me press on home and then – page up and then page down
I scanned her user area – I could hardly believe me eyes
She searched right through me files and made me RAM increase in size

When I plugged in the modem – I could tell she was a sport
For she displayed both parallel – and also serial port
I played with her drop-down menu - I think that did the trick
But just to be quite certain gave her mouse a double click

As her new service provider I gave as much as she could take
But I must shift on out of here – log off now, press escape
'For it is getting late' says I – and 'I'm half afraid to ask
But can I save this document? – It's time to end the task'

Well, the answer that she gave me – oh, it filled me with surprise
'I see you've now a floppy – where you once had a hard drive
But don't erase your memory – for me favour you did earn
And I'll be waiting here for you – should ever you return'

I'd opened up her folder – I'd surfed a little while
She'd been desperate for a defrag – her connection I had dialled
We'd scrolled around for hours - but now – a thought's filled me with fear
I'll have to have a virus check – when I get out of here.


Even after hearing it loads of times, it still makes me laugh!.

BBP