Numb as a pounded thumb
Useless as a trap door in a canoe
" " " a screen door in a submarine
Popular as a wet dog at a wedding
Screwed up like a Chinese fire drill

Cudgel..club
Dido.. a caper, originally a dance.
Fetched a larrup.. to move suddenly, out of control.
Orts.. vegetable peelings
Crudle..the moving part of a butter churn
Homely as a bucket of arm pits.

Harder than a brides bisquets
" " " Japanese math