To the tune of 'These Foolish Things'

A wanky hankie in a London taxi ;
A pair of underpants gone hard and waxy
And how they cling - these foolish things, etc

The dirty laughter from the gents' urinals
The quack abortionist who'd failed his finals

The foetid odour of a used French letter ;
A dose of clap that simply won't get better
And how it stings, etc

And when you stripped off in the bedroom after
I saw your tits and pissed meself with laughter
For how the left one swings, etc