"You will ALWAYS have a home with me, but it won't necessarily be the home you remember, nor will I be as you remember, because I'm growing up more now, too, you know."

As soon as they left they could not believe that we could and did have a life! They assumed that our every thought was still about them, that we'd still secretly want to tell them what was best, etc.-- it took a long time before they realized that a lot of what they assumed was our essential character was actually the job we did (with intentionality and with great delight), as parents.... that we rather hoped we'd worked ourselves out of that job.

No-- they assumed that we were sitting by the phone waiting for their calls. Of course we loved hearing from them, but often they caught us in the middle of fun they could not imagine us having, or about to rush off to some fun commitment.

Now, my mom taught me that it's the kid's job to call up and check in when THEY want to, and that it's the parent's job to leave them alone and not crowd them with phone calls. Our kids' friends had a different experience with their folks, so for awhile our kids thought we didn't love them anymore because we waited for them to call and sent them prepaid phone cards, etc., so they could. But to this day my mom only calls me for practical details or hot news about another family member, or emergencies-- and she's tickled that I call her when I do call her, because I love talking to her and I never call out of obligation but just cuz I WANT to.

But I wish we'd talked about that with the kids when they moved out, because it would have saved some sore misunderstandings on both sides.

~S~