Lyrics copied from Lou & Peter Berryman's web site:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME?
©1996, 2004 Lou & Peter Berryman
Words by Peter, Music by Lou

Do you think Santa Claus on a long November night,
When Rudolf cracks a hoof and the elves are breaking down with a
Bottle of bourbon open on the toy line,
D'you think he calls me up?
Not when the chance is slim that I believe in him.
No, he'll call Christmas nuts with ten-foot plastic trees
And one big statuette, floodlit and turning slowly,
Shimmering like a red potato pancake
Of Santa Claus himself.
That's who he'll ask with glee: "Do you believe in me?"

And old Count Dracula, on those long summer eves
When twilight lingers on, and the man has shared the day with a
Rubbermaid array of under-bed bins,
D'you think he leaps at me,
Upset 'cause I insist that he does not exist?
No, he'll jump vampire fans who never dangle arms
Too far beside their beds, and nightly wake up screaming,
Fumbling with a hammer and a tent stake.
Since they believe in him,
He'll suck their scapula to prove he's Dracula.

And that poor tooth fairy, when she's all out of dimes,
And her truck's full of teeth, and she hears nine more children
Wiggling on their molars in the suburbs,
D'you think she picks that time
To ask why I prefer to not believe in her?
No, she calls five-year-olds who hoard their baby teeth
Like little traveler's checks that they put underneath their
Pillow and then they whisper with a new lisp:
"Tooth fairy, pleathe come thoon."
That's who she'll ask, you see: "Do you believe in me?"

So when your boss is mean and your begonia dies,
And your best friend buys guns, and your new couch comes off and
Litters about a mile of the freeway,
You should not pick this time
To have your mom appraise the way you live these days.
No, you should march right in and call yours-truly up,
Who hangs on every word and will go: "...unh-unh, uh-huh, unh-unh,
Certainly and of course not..."
Enthusiastically.
So, soon's this line is free, go make a call to me.

[First appeared on the CD "Some Kinda Funny" in 1998. Re-recorded for "Love Is The Weirdest of All" in 2004. Second verse added in 2004.
[To hear an archived radio program that includes this song (minus verse 2), click to play and then advance to 51 minutes, 30 seconds from the beginning of the program.]