Ole Maw An' the Gale

We were on the way to twenty K
Just north of nineteen five
And the gang was lazing 'round the deck,
Just glad to be alive,
Old Maw stood on the after deck,
Jes' squintin' at the sky,
Sez she, "I think were fer a blow!
And a blow both wide and high", sez she.
A blow both wide and high.

Well the fellers laughed, and at the jack staff
Glory jes' flapped in the haze.
We had no fear of weather then,
In them balmy summer days.
But Maw she knew a thing er two,
And she said, "Make fast below.
Tie anything down you want to keep.
Fer it's settin' up to blow, me lads
It is settin' up to blow."

Well, Stilly lay on the foc'sle head,
A-working on her tan.
Rapaire was up the topmast stand,
A most peculiar man.
Old Hawk lay out on the quartrdeck
Dreaming of Shatner dreck.
When a cat'spaw whiff blew the flag out stiff,
ANd Maw yelled "Alive on deck!!"
Oh, she hollered "Alive on deck!"


Just across the beam, like a tripper's dream
I could see big Nineteen Five.
Looming out of the haze in a summer day,
As the breezes came alive.
And off the bow, just a point or two,
If the light warn't playing tricks
I could see the twice- occulting light
That stood fer nineteen six, oh, boys,
That far-off nineteen-six.

Ole Maw she grabbed a backstay then,
And she rared back with a yell,
"Now trim them sheets, you useless slugs!
Or she'll take us all to Hell!"
Then a gust came up, and it backed around,
And it slammed us by the bow.
"Go slack them halyards, make a reef!
An' by Jaysus, do it now!!"
Ole Maw said, "Do it now!"

Folks, we're going to break here for a commercial, but we'll be back with more of this death defying tale of Maw and her Ne'er-do-Wells, so stay tuned. Do you sometimes suffer from unquenchable thirst? Is your life haunted by some undefined, unfillable hunger? Folks if it is, you need Topless Soda, the bottle that has no top, but always finds a bottom. Topless Soda is good for men, boys, women and children. It liberates the bashful and calms the beastly, brings wisdom to the foolish and restores humor in the bitter. There's nothing like it on the market today, folks, and believe me, your life will start changing for the better when you start going Topless.



Hzzsssss zptttthtttt crackkkkllles hisssss...Don't touch that dial!


Howdy, boys and girls of Radio Land!! Welcome back to Mush-forBRains' Story Hour!! We've got a great ballad lined up for you, just after this message from Cream of Wheat, our facorite sponsor and your favorite breakfast!!!...

We were hitting spray and raising hell
Clipping hard at eleven knots
And the air grew thick, and the crew too sick
To be sure what was right, er not.
The bow was ducking into the green,
And the steering getting harder
And the cookie swore we should feed ourselves,
While he slept it off in the larder, lads,
The cook slept hard in the larder.

Then through the spray, as the nose came up,
Like a searchlight sent from Heaven,
I saw the loom of a distant flash --
The light of Nineteen Seven!
We begged ole Maw to trim her more,
And cut back on her sail,
But Ma swore blue, "Before I do,
You can feed me to a whale, me boys!
Just feed me to a whale!!"

Well, we knew she didn't mean that part,
So we held on tight to wait,
The good craft heeled to larboard hard,
And the wind rose to Force Eight.
There was water green along the decks,
It froze our hearts in fright,
And the storm was only getting worse,
As we headed into night, dear Gawd,
A stormy, pitch black night.

There warn't a soul could sleep that night,
As our bunks they slammed and rose,
There was vomit in the bilges aft,
And salt all through our clothes.
As we heaved and creaked beneath the gale,
Each heart quaked in its sway,
And one or two started up a song,
And several knelt to pray, goddamn.
SOme of us knelt to pray.

Maw stood sublime, while the water ran
Down from her pink so'wester,
And the ocean tried to throw her off,
But nary a wave could best her.
She held that watch 12 hours straight,
Until the wind was gone,
And we saw the coast of Nineteen Eight
A-looming up through the dawn, boys.
It twinkled in the dawn.

We begged ole Maw to put about,
And find a steady berth.
She cussed and let out such a shout,
We swore she'd split the earth.
"Avast you coward brats!!", she yelled,
"Why yearn you so for land?"
"This voyage ain't half over yet!
We're bound for Twenty Grand!!!"
She was set on Twenty Grand.

She yelled us down, and her beady eye,
Forbade each man deny her.
Her breath was strong as a williwaw,
And her eyes were full of fire.
So we shambled back to the focs'le head
And turned our posts to stand.
We had no choice, for Maw's own voice
Had sworn us to Twenty Grand, me lads,
We were bound for Twenty Grand.

Now I like to think we'll get there yet,
And the day will some day come,
When we can cross the harbor bar
Beneath a warming sun.
But until we do, we're doomed to sail,
Until we fade away,
For the word of Maw has laid down law,
And we're bound for twenty K, my boys
We are bound for twenty K.

We may encounter storms again,
Or days before the Trades,
We may run out of salt hard tack,
And maybe we won't get laid.
But these are trifles, nothing yet
To make our courage fail.
For I never ever will forget,
The night Maw faced the gale, my lads,
The night Maw faced that gale.

A