(Starts with phone ringing during the musical intro, and a woman answering with a nasal voice, "Hello?")

Put your big mouth a little closer to the phone
Don't you try to tell me that you're all alone
You only go out with your friends, you told me so
But you don't have no enemies, you'll have to go

(Woman says, "Hello?" again between verses)

The tomcat said, when he kissed the skunk, "Though it's been grand,
I've enjoyed all of this that I can stand."
You said you'd stick with me through thick and thin, I know
But the longer you stick, the thinner I get. You'll have to go.

(Woman says "HEL-LO", accenting both syllables)

When your mother came to visit us,
She would knock, then knock again
You and me would always have a fuss,
'Cause I would not let her in

Oh, put your fat mouth a little closer to the phone
Don't you try to tell me that you're all alone
The man with you must be a Navy man, I know
And you can tell him the coast is clear now, you'll have to go.

(Woman's voice repeating "Hello? Hello?" as record fades)