All I ask is that it should be the right quality of nope, which isn't always easy to find. Other than that, dear Santa, I would be happy with old newspapers, potato peelings and the odd bean or two, and although the cat would be delighted to see remnants of eel I'm a bit concerned for the postal authorities.

I'm intrigued by your Naval and royal connections, and look forward to hearing more.

Feeling suitably festive now ....